I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
