When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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