there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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