Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
