I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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