There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
