If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
