the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
