I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
