your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
