The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
