i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am midnight drunk by noon
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
