You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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