so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
