Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the night ended with taco bell and tears
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
