Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Randomize
