She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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