you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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