How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
