then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
