My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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