I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You need Xanax blowdarts
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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