Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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