Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
