You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
