The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize