I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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