If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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