I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
