Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
