I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
