Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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