im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
