Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
