This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
