She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
