Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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