You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The power of my boobs compel you
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
COCAINE IS GR8
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize