I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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