then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
