I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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