Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
the day after is always just damage control
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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