I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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