1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
