I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
