She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
