You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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