if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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