my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
