I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
