also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
