i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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