he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
