my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
