Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
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