I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
