Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
