last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
