Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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