3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
