youre lurking in front of me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
