Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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